| What does forgiveness feel like? |
[08 Oct 2009|07:03pm] |
I mean how does it feel to truly forgive a person? I'm afraid that I carry grudges for incidents that everyone has forgotten. And when I'm alone I perseverate on wrongs that have been committed against me and I mutilate these memories until fury and terror consume me. I routinely relive the most painful arguments from my past for the sole purpose of reminding myself who is at the greatest risk of hurting me and exactly how they may choose to exercise their power. I consider them preventative measures, but somewhere inside I know I'm slowly corroding my esteem.
This is not a rhetorical question. To everyone and anyone out there; how can I begin to truly forgive? I need to forgive people in my life (and my past) who aren't even aware of the grievances I continue to harbor against them; although I'll bet that a few of you might have an idea of who you are (and I am sorry). I need to end these neurotic methods of self-depreciation, or else I just might lose it all.
I'm begging.
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[16 Dec 2007|01:35pm] |
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mood |
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i can't decide. |
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mount holyoke it is.
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[24 Nov 2007|10:21am] |
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I got into Simmons.
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[19 Nov 2007|07:18pm] |
I feel sick, tired and sick&tired. I'm sick of winter and I'm tired of trying. I came home from work early to write my english paper, but now I'm just miserable. Every second I spend away from your touch is a wasted second. The hours I can't meet your gentle gaze are as brutal and long as the winter season. She is my refuge and comfort. My light and my warmth. My eyes get brighter and my smiles are involuntary when she's near. She saves me. I'm hers.
Every time Hanna claimed we were no longer sisters, I would get a sick twist in my gut and then push the subject out of my head. If I could ignore her allegations I could live in blissful ignorance. Tonight I believe her. I don't feel as sad as I should. She wants things from me and I give them to her, hoping they will suffice. Praying for them to cover the cost of my crime. But it looks like I'm facing 20- life with no chance of parole. Every time I give, every time I spend, every time I offer or permit, she rewards me with a day of civil interaction and then retreats to her natural state of heinous bitch. There isn't a shred of chance that I am going to spend hundreds of dollars on a Christmas gift for a girl who treats me like shit five days out of six. There isn't the smallest bit of likelihood that I will give her a present worth 2 weeks of work in exchange for a week of hiatus in this juvenile grudge. It's been four months. Get over it, get over yourself and grow the fuck up.
Call me when you realize that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, and once in a while- I need someone good too. Forget therapy. Forget me.
I'll make this public to ensure she gets the memo.
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[08 Aug 2007|12:19am] |
he wiped my hair off my eyes and i panicked. it was like i was there a hundred times before. i'm terrified of the answer i might get if i ask my mother, but i have to know.
seventeen years and now i might know why.
jesus christ.
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[30 Aug 2006|04:41pm] |
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I'm still in my pajamas. I haven't showered. Scarlette and I are in the process of baking nine dozen chocolate chip cookies. I have school tomorrow.
this weekend i will be camping. i havent been in almost five years. i am thoroughly ecstatic.
nine days until roger waters. six days until braces.
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[25 Aug 2006|11:17pm] |
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i can't ever think of anything to wish for anymore; but i still get upset when i miss 11:11.
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[10 Aug 2006|01:11am] |
hi join.
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[28 Jul 2006|12:14pm] |
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music |
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black eyed peas. |
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I really don't think I'm that strange at all. Thanks a lot Emily.
Once you are tagged you MUST write an entry about 6 weird habits/things you do/odd information, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next six people to be tagged and list their names.
1. I've been to WalMart twice in the past week. Among the things I've bought are four dvds, a yellow crayon thermos, flinstones vitamins and matching childrens dinner plates.
2. I like bad hip hop and stuff.
3. After I'm done speaking I mouth the same statement over again in my head but move my lips. Hanna once pointed this out to me.
4. I'm wearing Old Spice deodorant despite the fact that it gives me a rash.
5. I pick at scabs non-stop.
6. I still don't have my summer feet.
Erm. Hanna. Emma. Brooker. Jon. ...I have no friends sorry.
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[07 Jul 2006|10:21pm] |
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today the radio at work was accidentally on 94.1; pink floyd was on three times.
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[04 Jul 2006|10:19pm] |
I'm going to call this relapse. I only have four weeks.
edit;; actually that sounds bad. no i dont have cancer and no i'm not going to die.
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[02 Jul 2006|01:26pm] |
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I like wind, sand and salt in my hair. The sunburn is tolerable.
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[29 Jun 2006|09:35pm] |
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mood |
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wah. everything is so nice. |
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music |
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gardenstate. |
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There is hope yet.
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[14 Jun 2006|02:18am] |
So basically, I get two or twelve (hours of sleep).
But tomorrow. Oh.
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[07 Jun 2006|06:40pm] |
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I can't believe I told her.
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[05 Jun 2006|08:51pm] |
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music |
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heartbeats. Jose González |
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My eyes hurt. Its so summer. I'm going to Nicoles and Megans. Just because I can pull it off. I spiked a fever of like 104.3 for three hours today. I'm k. I'm feeling pretty enthusiastic. Oh man.
Everything.
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[01 Jun 2006|07:10pm] |
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mood |
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free.infinate.likeliving. |
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I just realized how young I am.
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[31 May 2006|11:23pm] |
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Its cute if they think I'm going to take it lying down.
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[31 May 2006|06:25pm] |
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Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Today I received the most appreciated, belated birthday gift in my life.
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